DEM OPPOSITION: Wallsall F.C, Caribou Cup

Team: Walsall F.C – Nickname: The Saddlers

Preparing for tomorrows fixture, DEM BLADES should look to the EFL Cup’s drink of choice to help them avoid certain defeat.

How can we prepare for a game that we know we’ll lose? Always challenging, always difficult. Just ask Messrs Carvahlo and Bullenachinashop about the build-up for DEM PIGS predetermined loss to Preston.

But this is the predicament DEM BLADES find themselves in. Walsall F.C, the bogey-team are behemoths in their own right. Swimming against the current of certain doom, what strategies can Wilder employ to stop the Saddlers?

  1. Give up all hope.

If you reduce your expectations, when others around you presuppose you are confident; if you lose all hope in advance, then the only way is up. DEM BLADES must go into this fixture with a sense of total negativity and, if we come together, to truly believe that this league one Leviathan is unbeatable, then maybe we can find a way to avoid total embarrassment.

2. Hope Messi doesn’t start

If he doesn’t we have a one-in-a-hundred chance. If he does, impossible. Walsall possesses one of the greatest players to ever grace the game, in some respect, I only hope he does start so I can see him in the flesh.

3. Mark Messi out of the game

If he does start, it’s over. The Turkish Messi will have us on a piece of string, tantalising us, so prepare for a close shave. I think we should employ 2 or 3 to directly mark Lionel Oztumer Messi. Basham and Lundstram (with the pace of David Brooks, just in case) could negate his 3rd tier wizardry, but what gaps will that leave for Simeon Jackson to exploit? A conundrum to be sure, but the only way to keep the arrears down and keep our chins high is to stop him.

4. Try everything to take the game to penalties

An impossible task, but let’s imagine we’re level at 90 minutes. It’s doubtful that even the new ABBA system can reduce the pressure when our players will be faced with Saddlers Goalkeeper, Mark Gillespie: a penalty saving guru.  The brother of DEM BLADES former player, Keith and the trumpet virtuoso, Dizzie, Gillespie made an incredible save from the spot against Bury at the weekend.

5. Sack-off Peroni for Caribou

The only way forward. Widely recognised as performance enhancing, the properties of Peroni are far outweighed by the drink that comprises THE CARIBOU EFL CUP. The elixir could be the tonic to save us: its manufacturer describes ‘the legend’ on its website.

[THE] ENERGY DRINK WAS INVENTED IN 2002 TO HELP THE PEOPLE OF THAILAND MEET THEIR DAILY CHALLENGES…

I don’t know what these challenges are. But I know one thing, Caribou is actually Reindeer. In turn, Reindeer is Caribou, which leaves a nasty taste in the mouth this close to Christmas. Performance enhancing or not, who wants to drink Reindeer? That said, if it can coax a victory from the futile depths of certain defeat, then I will withdraw my criticism and, I am convinced, the players will ignore this cynical marketing con and down the liquid if it means giving us a shot-in-hell against Walsall.

6. Just move on already

No point in dwelling on things that are removed from our control. Let’s just forget about this one before it’s kicked off. I for one, am looking ahead, onwards and upwards to this weekend’s game against Middlesbrough. Regardless of the battering that we’ll take tomorrow, I hope all DEM BLADES fans will join me on Saturday,  in paying homage to Boro owner, Steve Gibson, for all he’s done to make a mockery of DEM PIGS transfer policy. (On this note, keep your eyes peeled for DEM OPPOSITION #2 – Chansiri Vs Gibson: How to spunk money and alienate people.)

 

 

 

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