POST GAME #6 Bolton Wonderers F.C

Team – Bolton Wonderers    Nickname – The Trotters

If you are intent on destroying pigs you have to start with the trotters and Bolton away certainly proved a succulent, porky aperitif. DEM BLADES trotted away with 3 points from the Wonderers stadium which, interestingly,  is named after President of France, Emmanuel Macron. Just like the French President’s political party, DEM BLADES are EN MARCHE! with Wilder’s army.


Bolton are a poor side. (NOTE: I’ve previously made reference to the ill-judged use of the term after a Derby Cahnty blogger described DEM BLADES as ‘really poor’). I outlined a number of definitions in that article to clarify the intended usage of the word, but in this instance, I refer to Bolton being a ‘poor side’ in every sense of the word ‘poor.’ You wouldn’t like it if your club was in financial ruin, they cry.

This is true and perhaps I am a little harsh. Making a joke out of Bolton’s woes is just like bullying a sixteen-year-old on the day they have found out that they have uniformly failed every single GCSE exam. Don’t kick someone that’s already down, eh? So similar is the Wonderers plight to the spotty failures that I will enjoy making jokes about Gary Madine, nearly as much as I enjoy standing outside the school gates in August and forcibly placing Dunce Caps on the tiny heads of any tearful teen.

DEM 90 Minutes

Cameron Carter-Vickers scored the only goal of the game in a comfortable, at times scrappy, 0-1 win. Another debut, another goal, another victory. It wasn’t the prettiest event you’ll ever see and this was largely down to the Wonders testing gravity to the limit. By the end of the game, you could tell that the Bolton players had come to appreciate the physics of what happens to a football under the strain of the Earth’s equal and opposite gravitational pull. What comes up, must come down; always true of gravity, probably true of Bolton, certainly not true of DEM BLADES.

Bolton fans must be wondering what they’ve let themselves in for this season because their attendance didn’t even reach the high watermark of fifteen-thousand. But it’s a shame for the stay-at-homes to miss out on watching their star player first-hand.

He has a nickname-cum-song does “Gary Madine [Washing, shitting, side-splitting, Coffee, Vending, Sub, Computing, Condom, Chewable-Toothbrush, Slot, Quiz, but-never-goal] Machine.” He’s certainly brought his League One form into the Championship and I have to be fair to the lad when Bolton are relegated I think he should keep his jersey (because it might be the last one he ever gets).


A GRUMBLE. I’ve received a shocking amount of negative comments and vitriol in regards to my recent match analysis. In fact, I received one unfinished email on Monday morning in reference to my repeated decision to name Paul Coutts as the man of the match in every game this season. I refuse to be drawn into slagging matches but do fans not realise that, despite the protestation of the liberal elite that would tell you otherwise, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS SUBJECTIVE. Dey is DEM PIGS, we is DEM BLADES and Paul Coutts is the man of the match.


Do I even need to write his name? I will because I get a fuzzy feeling every time that I do. Paul Coutts. There it is.



I Wonder if this doughnut is eating his sugar-coated words after suggesting DEM BLADES fans would enjoy Bolton’s “clean air, running water… and freezing cold Fruit Shoots.” I don’t how many times I have to say this, but I will say it once more, UNITED HATE F****** FRUIT SHOOTS.  As for his suggestion that, “we [Wonderers] will win, and that’s all that matters,” all I can say is that he was as right as Gary Madine is wrong, very wrong. Piggy b….


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