DEM OPPOSITION: Leads United R.F.C

Team: Leads United F.C                  Nickname: ‘The Alrights’

All roads lead to Rome, but DEM BLADES have a Satnav that only seems to lead to victory. Another win and we have hit the top of the English La Liga – whodathunkit?

DEM OPPOSITION

Leads went through a tumultuous summer. After Gary Monk left the club, the Alrights offered Hayden Christenson the job of manager, and his CV made for mixed reading. On the one hand, he did an excellent job in taking the Cypriot team, Apple, into the Champions League. On the other hand, he did a very poor job at playing Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Prequel Trilogy.

Playing the chosen one who “had no father,” Christandson imbued Anakin Skywalker with a feeling of topknots and brattishness. So bad was his performance in George Lucas’s franchise, that I was giddy with excitement after watching the reboot, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which was essentially  ‘A New Hope’ with a touch of diversity.

Not having to see Hayden Christianson’s smug face in the new iteration was a joy, and it was a joy to miss it again last night. His surname might translate to mean the son of Christ, but he certainly is not the Messiah.

DEM 90 MINUTES

As their nickname suggests, Leads United were Alright, but it was DEM BLADES who were sharpest. Two minutes passed before Leon Clarke flicked the ball around the corner for Mark Duffy whose inch-perfect cross was met by the downward header of Billy Sharp for 0-1.

After the opening goal, DEM BLADES dominated possession in the dangerous areas of the pitch, whilst The Alrights dominated possession everywhere else. Upfront, the opposition were flat, slow and stodgy, but is that any surprise when your lone striker is called Lasagne and is on loan from Hamburger?

Carter-Vickers won the battle against Lasagne, chipping away one layer after another, but it was his headed clearance that set up The Alrights only goal of the game. Kalvin Phillips volleyed like Kevin Phillips to equalise and, in the second half, tackled like him too. In a nasty, studs-up challenge against George Baldock, Phillips should’ve seen red.

Lead’s had one player that was a bright spark and he hit the post with a superb curling effort and orchestrated their midfield in a footballing game of ‘Simple Samuel Saiz.’  But it was DEM BLADES who came out on top. Mark Duffy, once again with an excellent assist, found the substitute David Brooks whose left-foot shot was perfectly placed in the bottom corner.

Cue pandemonium in the away end.  DEM BLADES fans who had made the journey to Bellend Road were on top form all game and the winning goal coaxed chants of ‘Brooks will tear you apart again.’ They sang Joy Division, live on Skye television and DEM BLADES are now top of the division  – Oh what a night… 

DEM BLADES

Despite the 1-2 victory, the Messiah was none too pleased with the performance of the midfield . Paul Coutts and John Fleck were uncharacteristically sloppy; well, on two or three occasions. It pains me to say it, but Paul Coutts cannot be the man of the match this week (and, resultantly, I’ve involuntarily thrown up a little bit on my keyboard).

Man of the Match

It could’ve been Mark Duffy for two assists or David Brooks for scoring his first senior go…oh f**k it, it was only ever going to be Leon Clarke.

4 reasons why Leon Clarke is the Messiah’s favourite disciple

CHAAARGE!

I don’t know what a ‘whirling dervish’ is, but Leon Clarke was certainly one of them against Leads. His energy and emotion was a footballing dance to express respect and adulation of the Messiah…and he certainly got that.

When he tracked their right-back into our half

It didn’t make the Skye highlights but it should have. Leon racing back from his own half to retrieve a ball from their tricky right-back, who wasn’t happy to lose possession and you could see that he was ailing.

When he imagined flattening that blonde whinger

We all imagined flattening that bloke who played on the right wing, Alioli. It was impressive of Leon to keep his cool, but he almost didn’t. Clarke glowered at him from a distance, with a look which told everyone inside the stadium what he really thought: “I bet you say ‘goalie’ instead of ‘goalkeeper’ and wear ripped jeans around the house you soft shitho*se” Well done Leon for holding that in!

Epitomise

‘Epitomised’ has fallen out of DEM BLADES vocabulary ever since Neil Warnock left. His weekly phrase, usually directed towards Nick Montgomery or Phil Jagielka, should be resurrected this week for Leon Clark, who epitomised the Messiah’s ‘proper’ brand of football:  where motivation is implied in putting on the jersey.

UDB

 

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