by Steve Mackan (NVQ L1 Catering & Hospitality, Sheffield College, 2003. Comis, Sous and Little Chef)

Team: Ull City  F.C                  Nickname: The Tigers

The last time DEM BLADES played against Ull City they lost 5-3 in an F.A Cup Semi-Final at Wembley. Back in 2014, Ull were a Premier League outfit, but now they resemble the kind of outfit designed and sold by brands such as Elev8.

Things look more positive this time around. DEM BLADES fans don’t have to suffer Wembley’s crap beer at high prices nor it’s indefatigable sunshine that, somehow, always signposts a spoilt day in North London.

This time we’re back at Bramall Lane and thank god for that. However, if you weren’t at Wembley and don’t know much about Ull, then here’s some handy information.


For a bit of background, Ull sits on the of the Humber River, sandwiched by Scunthorpe and Grimsby. If you hadn’t already heard, Ull is the U.Ks ‘City of Culture’ and I think it’s quite harsh to refer to real people as being akin to the spreading of bacteria, but there you go…it’s a cruel world.

The manager

It’s a particularly cruel world for the Ull manager, Roxanne Slutsky, who has been met with a red light ever since taking the reigns at the KCUM stadium. It’s been a stop-stop start to the season. I feel sorry for him. Just the other day he said that he could understand why a chairman might sack him – slut your mouth Roxanne, you’re talking your way into a heap of trouble.

The Chairman /slash owner

If you’ve travelled to Ull you probably visited ‘The Deep’ (a big fuck-off aquarium). In the middle of the largest fish tank there’s a transparent glass lift that, just like the owner of ULL AFC, you can see straight through.

The Chairman is called Assem and he’s a Lamb and yes, like you,  it’s always struck me as odd that a Lamb would gravitate toward the Tigers. But there you have it. Anyhow, a Lamb should not be chairman of any football club for a whole host of reasons.

Sheep, White, Lambs, Goats, Animals, Mammals, Furry
Ull City owner, Assem, a Lamb
  1. A Lamb is never going to have the clubs interest at heart, he is far more likely to be thinking about grass.
  2. A Lamb cannot effectively represent the history and values of the club, he’s a Lamb for fuck’s sake, he can barely say ‘bah.’
  3. He once said “they (Ull fans) could die as soon as they wanted” and it was a great feat for a Lamb to enunciate actual words, but how can he even say such a thing when most of his fellow Lambs are killed before they reach their second birthday. He’s a cruel Lamb.

Week in, week out, the Ull City fans have been chanting the same thing that I shout to the better-half on a Sunday – “Get the Lamb out!” – and I’m sure the supporters will continue to roast a Lamb until he’s left.  Good luck in that venture Ull fans, but bad luck this weekend.

Fun Fact about Ull…

“…Ull City are the only team in the Football League where you can’t colour in a single letter of their name without feeling terrified that you may be forced to live there.


Awf Ull (Apart from beating Birmingham, but that’s like beating a Carlos when it’s down.)


Last time out DEM BLADES suffered the indignity of losing to a QPR team managed by that self-indulgent, perpetual failure, gobshite, broken record, Ian Holloway. I’ll never get over it. I really won’t.

Anyway, DEM BLADES will get over the defeat. This week Chris Wilder has told Radio Sheffield that “I pick the team,” which is a good sign. Hopefully, he picks the winning triumvirate of Coutts, Fleck and Duffy and hopefully Sam Baldock’s brother is fit to play.

Hopefully we win and hopefully, I never have to speak to anyone who would say anything along the lines of “Holloway talks sense,” or “Holloway just says what everyone else is thinking.” If you are that person, then you need to stop being an apologist for Holloway in all his mercenary guises –  Katie ‘Holloway’ Hopkins,  Boris ‘Holloway’ Johnson, Donald ‘Holloway’ Trump et al – and use your time more effectively (in the same way that I am effectively using my time to slag him off).


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s