DEM OPPOSITION: Burton Albion

Team – Burton Albion      Nickname: The Brewers

by Steve Mackan (recently found to be ‘Blue’ in Which Personality Colour are you? team-building exercise.)

 

Burton: Trip advice

The last time I went to Burton, I was lucky enough to find a teal, long-sleeved Polo shirt, a double-breasted flannel blazer and a super-soft, waffle textured dressing gown. All of which were stocked in my size and fitted comfortably. It was a welcome end to the day after a humiliating nil-all draw in front of 5,029 people.

On that Autumn September day, Conor Sammon started for DEM BLADES and Mark Duffy started for Burton. In hindsight, this fact is amusing. It’s a memorised totem symbolising just how far DEM BLADES have come under Chris Wilder. At the time, it was an embarrassment. We are all aware that Conor Sammon was a terrible player. His appearance in the starting eleven was utterly demoralising and our collective consciousness was in tatters by the time Martyn Woolford got onto the pitch.

In that instance, I could easily forget the game but I had to resort to a shopping trip to forget Conor Sammon. Burton in Burton’s town centre offered a good-to-very-good customer experience. The shop, although busier than the Pirelli Stadium itself, was well managed. Yes, it’s reminiscent of The Moor circa 1993.  But I have to hone in on the shop and overall Burtons in Burton gets 3.5/5.

 

burton in burton.png
Hyper-reality: Burton, in Burton.

Burton Albion’s familiar face

Negative Nige

In these parts, Nige Clough is infamous for taking DEM BLADES to an FA Cup semi-final before spending his second season in charge ceaselessly tinkering with a previously settled eleven until he was satisfied with our mediocrity and our unwavering respect for the draw. However, in Burton and throughout the rest of the world, Clough is famous for one thing and one thing only – Cloughoutis (Clough-‘ho-tee).

Cloughoutis: eggs, flour, milk, sugar (wtf?) fruit (disgusting)

 

In the Clough household, they might like to make a batter and pour it over fruit and add cinnamon and sugar and bake it – but I don’t! In Derbyshire, they might deem it acceptable to sweeten what is an inherently savoury dish and ruin it entirely, in the name of their favourite manager, but he isn’t even that good a manager. Yes, he’s held the reins at Derby and Burton respectively, but can he hold onto his self-respect?

“Not for me.” Me, fifteen minutes ago, November, 2017

Not for me. Not if he continues to bastardise the savoury favourite of the Northern Powerhouse[1]. In Yorkshire, we call it a Yorkshire Pudding and it’s not a dessert and it never has fruit embedded within it. The aberration that is the Cloughoutis should be left on a distant, dusty, kitchen shelf alongside Nigella’s recipe for avocado on crispbread (which is a really quick and simple snack if you’re into rabbit food).

The world changes but certain things should remain where they are: Conor Sammon in Scotland; fruit in the fruit bowl; gravy on Yorkshire Puddings; UK in the EU.  Even Clough’s most loyal players would surely not opt to taste the foul concoction. Perhaps he threatens them with the ritual force-feeding of a steaming dish of Cloughoutis to motivate them to play well, like human Foix-Gras, who knows? All I know is that I hope that DEM BLADES batter them on Friday night to the extent that #CloughOutIs trending on Twitter.

Form

Flan-like; a bit eggy. Soft in places. Flacid.

DEM BLADES

Chris Wilder does not use his own name as a marketing ploy to sell sweet, batter-based, fruit pancake things. He could, I imagine, develop his own brand of exploring gear. The Wilderness by Wilder: hiking boots, tent poles, water bottles and even the sharp Sheffield steel within the Chris-army knife. But them blades don’t interest Chris like DEM BLADES do.

Friday night could see DEM BLADES go top of the table once again, which is more surprising to DEM PIGS than a match-day ticket under £40. But Burton, like Bolton, Birmingham and Barnsley, are a B-team and a dangerously defensive B-team at that. Whatever ever the outcome, at least Conor Sammon won’t ruin my day.

Predictions…

Burton’s suede-look chukka boots will probably be out of stock and if that is the case, I shall buy a pair online instead.

 

 

 

[1] Sponsored by George Osbourne

 

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