Post-Match: The Cottagers

This morning I sat down at the brexit table with a coffee, a freshly poached egg, hand sliced brown toast with sea salted butter and, on top, some bacon and maple syrup. I felt like I was in Fulham but I wasn’t. Instead, I was in a place of confusion.

DEM BLADES lost 4-5 at home. Leon Clarke scored his second hat-trick of the month. Stephane Saucisson has gone from being a thirty-three-year-old mercenary who previously played for Sunderland, to a seventeen-year-old wonderkid. But the source of my confused state can be reduced to one debate: the leavers and remainers.

DEM OPPOSITION

DEM AWAY FANS

There are plenty of jokes I could make about the Cottagers, but there’s no laughing when it comes to Fulham. For the most part, there’s very little singing or cheering either, their fans are oftentimes the poorest in the country. But last night they were decent and their polite applause even turned into a few chants – well-done guys, first-rate stuff, top-hole!

Tactics

DEM Blades welcomed the Cottagers to a rainy downtown Bramall Lane. They played with fast forward players who were actually midfielders. The passed the ball quickly and exploited the gaps that DEM BLADES provide. Fulham are basically Brentford with an attacking threat.

 

DEM 90 MINUTES 

Revenge of the back of the KOP stoner: 

The stream of consciousness from the bloke sitting behind me

  • 6 mins: Clarke – 1-0,

“Fucking get in you bastard.” (Vigorously shakes son.)

  • 28 mins: Ojo – 1-1,

“The fuck has he done, what the fuck has he done there. What are you playing at!!!” (His words lay heavy on Carter-Vickers, who looks up at him dejected.)

  • 30 mins: Sauccison – 1-2,

Noooo” (Punches the back of my chair) “shocking this defence, absolutely shocking,” (he shakes his head with a telling look that says, shocking defence, except that, before the game, we’d conceded the second lowest in the division.)

  • 39 mins: Clarke – 2-2,

(Grinning from ear to ear.) “Leon! Le-on! Le-on!” (Son turns to father) “But Dad, I thought you always said he was lazy.”  

  • 43 mins: Sauccison – 2-3,

The man has gone to smoke the spliff he was rolling, the crumbs of which litter my hood. Is there enough so that I can partake when I arrive home? 

  • 69 mins: Ojo – 2-4,

“Fucking c**t, I can’t fucking believe this Wilder! SORT IT OUT, MAN!”  (Chris Wilder fails to respond and this angers him even more,) “Noooooooo,” (I would thank him for the gift of spittle, which he has donated to the back of my neck, but now’s not the time.)

  • 78 mins: Sessegnon – 2-5, 

As the ball touches the back of the net he silently motions to leave by violently ragging his son by the arm (who loudly says “ow!“) and he gets halfway to the aisle before coming back. The yo-yoing manoeuvre says everything about breakfast and nothing about the match.

  • 86 mins: Carruthers – 3-5,

“Too little too late this Wilder.” (From the back of the Kop I can clearly make out Chris Wilder nodding in acknowledgement, he truly is a man of the people.)

  • 90 mins: Clarke – 4-5, 

“There we go, fucking get in!” We’re gonna do it!!!”

The final whistle sounds and the bloke sat behind leaves without a parting goodbye. The Cottagers drop to their knees, they know they have been in a game. DEM BLADES fans give the players a rousing standing ovation. We’re still as high as third in the division, which isn’t high enough for the bloke sat behind. 

Man of the Match

Paul Coutts.

 

DEM PIGS 

As DEM BLADES won, DEM PIGS began oinking from their pen. No bother; farmer Carvahlialyo knows exactly what to do to keep them quiet.

Top-boy, the ‘The Major Owl’ decided to stick his curly tail right in the bacon slicer. But the Major, who I suspect to be 14 and not as he claims, to be a member of our armed services, is entitled to air his view. Although he might want to pipe down about a 2-4 scoreline (if  I knew how to do emoji’s I’d put one here with raised eyebrows and tears of laughter.)

 

Screen Shot 2017-11-22 at 09.44.44
Major fails to capitalise.  

Screen Shot 2017-11-22 at 08.41.57
@SWFC_OWLS capitalises on DEM BLADES loss with a major rant that is strewn with minor spelling mistakes.

5 reasons why the wheels have come off in S6

dembaldespigs 

  • There’s a thread on OwlStalk which begins, ‘Matt Brown is doing one of his periscopes and giving his views.’ Who is Matt Brown? Why does he have more than one periscope? And, if having relations with an instrument for observation is a ‘thing,’ then why won’t DEM PIGS open their fucking eyes?
  • DJ Chansoire paid £10 million for a player who can only find space on a keyboard.
  • A Beres pork sandwich van backed into my car and loosened a lug nut and damaged my wheel bearing.
  • Ricardo Carvahlo was recruited by Doyen sports who also recruited half the team and DJ Chasrer has just found out prostitution is illegal in the UK.
  • If Ferretsierri was ever a wheel in the first place, then he’s wanted to be off since he first arrived.

 

 

COMING SOON….. “Notes from a Jota”

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