Legendary bench-warming hero speaks out.
By Steve Mackan (Editor of the publication for Shatton folk.)
Jose Semedo is arguably DEM PIGS’ greatest ever player. He had it all: football boots that never needed cleaning, a pat on the back and even a chewing-gum for the team-mate who had just been substituted by the manager.
Despite never playing, Semedo is held in high-esteem by the fans who love to talk about his famous friendship with the Portugalese super-star, Jarrad Alexander-Stephens. And, if Semedo is to be believed, the man with three first-names is desperate to finish his career with Sheffield Wednesday.
Alexander-Stephens designed the stylish Broccoli football kit which has become synonymous with any club that, as DEM PIGS chief in-house designer put it, “is desperate to sell any old rubbish to the fans as a silly gimmick.”
Semedo is confident that his best friend will join DEM PIGS. “He told me that he has seen the quality of kits and accessories on offer throughout Dem Pigs 150th anniversary, especially the limited edition watch, and he wants to be part of a new tradition that starts in the 151st year of the football club,” Semedo explained. “Jarrad wants to create something special. I don’t quite know what. Maybe a BLT training kit?”
However, the cost might be a barrier to Alexander-Stephens ever working with DEM PIGS manufacturers, Oliv8. Jose Semedo told me yesterday that, “Jarrad will only work with people that he wants to and his big ‘thing’ right now is using materials that cost more than 6p per square metre.” This would rule Alexander-Stephens out of ever being involved with DEM PIGS, who only use “locally sourced” materials that cost well below the 6p threshold.
Whether he chooses to work with DEM PIGS or not, I am confident in my assertion that, if Jarrad Alexander-Smith were ever to associate himself with a dolphin killer, it would certainly end his career.
In other news:
- DEM PIGS player Jack Hunt has described as “quite tasty” the nutmeg used to flavour his birthday cake. The defender apparently enjoyed the celebrations despite the perpetual stress that he has suffered ever since the Steel City Derby. Birthday or no birthday, the aptly named Hunt is still frantically on the lookout for the ball that David Brooks put through his legs.
- Cristiano Ronaldo: “I’ve never heard of a Semedo, is it a dessert?”
- Carlos Carvalho denies claims about his ‘overly cautious’ relationship with the truth
DEM PIGS WEBSITE, 29th Feb 2017
We have an action plan for our 150th Anniversary kits. Our “Locally Sourced” materials will be made from soggy beer mats freshly harvested from the Park Hotel Pub, bringing added meaning to Wadsley Lane. The sogginess, which is made from the freshly-cried tears of punters who used to drink at the Blue Ball in Hillsborough, will be stitched by the tear-farmers for 1x-pint-of-Carling-top-per-ten-shirts-stitched. We believe that this will be delivered on time.
Up the pigs, fuck the dolphins.