by Steve Mackan (Best man at our Judds first wedding, Pageboy at his second.)
Dejifon Chansiri has issued a defiant and creative message to tat-struck supporters after calls for Ricardo Carvahlo’s sacking got, “quite loud actually.” The owner of the bottom-half club is understood to have devised a divergent method to increase the performance of DEM PIGS. As we speak, he is drawing images of owls onto each players forehead, “all of them will become twice as good,” says Chansiri as he rushedly scribbles on Andy New-Hugh’s bulbous dome.
“It came to me like a football-pitched-sized-net around a defenceless dolphin,” Chancerini told The Shatton Periodical, “it had been staring me in the face all along. To make something twice as good, you need only stick a picture of an owl on it.”
Chansoire is, of course, referring to the 150th-anniversary Seconda watch that was sold by the club for £150. The watch’s RRP was less than £70 but that did not stop the club from more than doubling the price. What gave rise to this hike in prices? The mere addition of a symbol of a biologically inaccurate Strigiformes, obviously.
Despite the inadequacy of the deal, DEM PIGS fans have bought into the idea tooth and claw, foot and mouth. Going the whole hog, fans have lapped up the watches, which incredibly have now sold out – every last one! It’s surprising for a watch that you’d be more than happy to lose out on when pulling a Christmas cracker with your mother-in-law – no, no you have it. No really; I insist. It’s Christmas after all. Keep it.
Can the symbol of an anatomically incorrect bird truly add value to an item? And does this phenomenon give us answers to one of the biggest questions of all…
…if you draw an owl on a £20 note, what is it worth?
After losing the Steel City Derby, Carlos Carverhall battered a twenty-pound note armed only with his pudding fists and scrambled wit. He then proceeded to unravel the supposedly unruly item of legal tender before declaring “it’s still £20.” But what if he had drawn an owl on it?
That’s the question the chairman would’ve asked. By DJ Chanserino’s logic, the addition of a hand-drawn owl would turn money into more money. “If Ricardo had drawn an owl on the note it would’ve doubled the value of it,” the chairman explained whilst pinning Barry Bannan in a headlock and drawing an owl in blue sharpie on his forehead. “Look Barry’s worth £200k now or 0.12 M.R.E!”
Can you draw on quality?
After Barry Bannan, 28 and balding, escaped the clutches of Chanzizi, he opened up to me like the ring-pull on a can of tuna.
SM (Me): Barry, do you believe you’ve improved since the chairman drew that owl on your forehead?
BB: I am not too sure about that. I feel like I can go about my business with more confidence on and off the pitch. I’ve not got birds on the brain as much as before, which is ironic. But I do look a flipping moron.
SM: You honestly believe that a small blue bird on your head is going to transform the fortunes of the club?
BB: Well, we have both seen bigger miracles. Look, the chairman got some seven-year-old kids to etch an owl onto them watches and the fans have lapped it up, haven’t they? That’s the Christmas miracle ‘Big Chancer’ was looking for, and all we want is three points.
SM: Thanks Barry
BB: No worries- oh, by the way. You can now buy Barry Bannan figurines in time for Christmas 2025 from the club store. They’ll have an owl imprinted on my figuriney head too. £275.99. You can buy in instalments through the chairman’s new scheme, ShiteHouse.
SM: Get fuck*ed you soft idiot
BB: Bye then.
Of course, you can’t!
You cannot simply ‘draw on’ quality by pretending a poorly drawn owl makes a player twice as good. DJ Chansere might think he’s a genius for transposing the logic of the market economy onto the football field, but football doesn’t quite work like that. There bigger fish (not just tuna) for the chairman to fry, for one, dwindling support for his ownership and four-two was the scoreline that will dog DEM PIGS for months and potentially years, which is something a small hand-drawn owl can do nothing about.