Post-Match – Aston Vile

Team: Aston Vile           Nickname: The Vile’Uns

DEM BLADES fought back from a two-goal deficit to take a point away from England’s second city, Aston.


The Vile’Uns have a big promotion ambition and have hired a big manager to boot. Chief Wiggum’s CV is littered with promotions, relegations and a fair few spelling mistakes, and the porky Geordie knows exactly how to turn a sleeping giant into a tired one. There is no giant more tired than Aston Vile, who have brought in journeymen arseholes like John Terry to their squad.

Let’s not forget that Wiggum has signed the scaled-up-child that is John Terry, who once pulled his shirt on in the Champions League final after not actually playing. Wiggum has also signed the likes of John T***y whose own cocaine-dealing father once described as “a bit of a cant for a son.” The Vile’Uns manager also saw fit to add John Terry to his squad; John Terry, the man that asked Ralph Horris for a portrait before he was shipped off to prison. John Terry who is injured and I hope he never recovers. John Terry who doesn’t like chocolate oranges. John Terry; the man whose mum did a porno. John Terry, the cockney crybaby.

Player Watched – Greasylish.

wiggumOne player who I like only slightly more than John Terry is Jack Greasyish. I watched him for the whole ninety minutes and I think -ish was an overstatement. He dripped in and out of the game like the acne-scented sweat of an obese newspaper boy. His hair reminds me of the sort of hairstyle that my Dad would refer to as ‘shit as fuck’. I really can’t argue with my Dad on that one because he passed away in November of last year. Greasley, 22 and a Championship player who thinks he’s better than that, spent most of the game with his back to goal and his arse to the floor and he did nothing to ingratiate himself to the Vile’Uns’ silent supporters.

In some ways, I feel sorry for Greaslish. Aston Vile’s descent into total averageness has everything to do with the youngster’s inability to attract any interest from a Premiership team; if they can’t sell him then they can’t afford new players. It’s a lot of pressure to heap on his young, aggravating shoulders, but nobody he wants him, and here’s why:

Jack Greeslish’s Record Breakers:

  1. In Aston Vile’s relegation season Jack Greasy played 16 matches and his boyhood club lost every single one of them. The worst record of all time.
  2. John Terry is known to rate him as “the second most toppest bloke that I have ever met, I’d do anything for him. In fact, I’d drive his mum to the supermarket if she wants.”
  3. His ex-girlfriend described his hair as “the third worse I’ve seen behind (fat) Ronaldo’s pube-head and Chris Morgan’s cane rows.”


DEM BLADES found some Christmas cheer despite a shaky start where the Vile’Uns were awarded a penalty after Richard Stearman’s good interception was judged not to be a good interception whatsoever, but a foul. The Vile’Uns scored the resulting penalty and added a second goal from a set-piece, Miles Jedinak heading home.

It was all doom and gloom until it wasn’t. Lundstram’s arching ball was brought down like a medicine ball by Clayton Donaldson, who then chipped the on-rushing Vile goalkeeper whilst the paceless Jedinak could only spectate. It was about to get miles worse for Jedinak. Donaldson added a second when the bearded former footballer controlled the ball with consummate unease and allowed DEM BLADES’ striker to gobble up the opportunity to equalise.

At 2-2 the game could have gone either way. Both teams missed opportunities to score the winner, but chances were few and far between, like John Terry and the rest of the squads’ significant-others.


It’s only a point, but something tells me that this point might give DEM BLADES the momentum that they so desperately need. We need to push on now. Bramall Lane will be packed on Boxing Day, as will my bags if I leave the better-half to contend with in-laws all-day and all-night after what I hope is a solid win.



Man of the Match:

Paul Coutts


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