Back in September DEM BLADES dined out on The Trotters before going the whole hog and devouring DEM PIGS. Skip forward to the end of 2017 and what a year it’s been. Whilst I’d gladly relive the majority of the footballing year, I’d sooner [insert reasons 1-8 here] than ever watch Bolton Wodderers again.
Many things should be condemned to footballing history: the Mullet, hooliganism, the Silver Goal, the flashing of iPhone lights and Jordan Stewart. Yet I’d prefer to advocate on behalf of all of those so that I might be granted a special power to banish forthwith Pil Pharkison’s Bolton-ball.
Gary Madine the Chewable Toothbrush Machine.
Much of the horror show is focussed on Gary Madine who is not a Goal Machine. He is, in fact, a Chewable Toothbrush Machine. On the day, a fellow Blade described his performance as ‘outstanding’ and I can accept that he was effective, though I’d still rather be out, standing in the freezing cold for ninety minutes than be outstanding for Bolton.
On the face of it, Gary Madine has all the attributes to be a half, decent footballer. Off the face, he doesn’t. To be fair to him, he has previously caught the eye of a number of fans and, in a rare good news story for South Yorkshire Police, has rightfully served time for doing so.
You see Gary Madine is a c***, unlike a Chewable Toothbrush. You see, outside of a normal Toothbrush, a Chewable Toothbrush is the only alternative means of maintaining good dental hygiene. Inside of a Chewable Toothbrush there is a latex-cum-chewing-gum bizarreness that rarely enters into your everyday consciousness, unless you spend a lot of time in motorway service stations as I do, and should never enter your mouth. The tacky alternative to good dental hygiene is as popular as the tacky alternative to football played by Pil Pharkinson’s Bolton – not very.
However, Gary Madine is not a Chewable Toothbrush, he is a Chewable Toothbrush Machine. It’s only a subtle difference, but it’s a big one – like the difference between Nazi and Nazism. Madine is no Nazi, he couldn’t even spell the word, but he is a Chewable Toothbrush Machine. But, why? – I hear you scream.
Because he’s an irritating melt that has assaulted supporters, slagged of contemporaries on social media, taunted labourers by waving wads of cash at them whilst driving at over 100mph and, to add insult to injury, he had the temerity to score again DEM BLADES and that cannot be easily forgiven.
DEM 90 MINUTES
Never has so little football been played by so few to so many (Me)
8 things I’d rather do than watch write or think about that game ever again.
1. Buy a Sekonda watch worth £60 then have a little Owl drawn onto it and pay £150.00 instead.
2. Inhale through a tube, the Boxing Day farts of the stoner lad that sits a couple of rows in front of me – herby notes with turkey and cheap rum.
3. Tell everybody that I know Peter Kay, even though I don’t.
4. Shave as many seconds off my life as possible by taking up smoking, in the hope that I get reduce any significant time being added to my existence.
5. Continuously watch the unintelligible Amir Kahn on the telly doing anything and everything in order not to fight Kell Brook.
6. Feign injury every five minutes for the rest of my life just to pass a little bit of time
7. Visit Bolton.
8. Chew a chewable toothbrush.
Leon Clarke could’ve won the game for DEM BLADES, but he didn’t and that wasn’t very nice for all parties. DEM BLADES now have a tricky January to navigate, but let’s not forget what a great year it has been to watch Paul Coutts.
Man of the Match and of the year…
Paul Coutts – outstanding.