Post-Match: Derby Can’t-he?

…or Silence of the Rambs

Team – Derby Can’t-he      Nickname: The Rambs 

DEM BLADES won the draw but couldn’t take three points from the private school football team that is Derby Can’t-he.


The Gaffer stifled P.E teacher.

In Gary Rowett, Derby Can’t-he have one of the most successful P.E teachers in recent history. After graduating with an O-level in Physical Education and a D in General Studies, Rowett landed the Burton Albion job and worked wonders by turning a Nigel Clough side, into a non-Nigel Clough side.

From there he did a sterling job at the perennial waste of a league position that is Birmingham City where he was unfairly sacked. At the end of his tenure, Rowett sat down and assessed his CV, he finally felt relaxed about leaving his Newspaper Delivery experience from his resumé, which he then posted to Derby Can’t-he. And the rest, as they say, is history…

“…it subs the waste of millions around the seventy minutes mark or else it gets the hose again.” Mel “Buffalo Bill” Morris (Derby chairman).

…except Rowett can’t teach history because he is trapped in a well of stifling boredom. You see, Mel Morris, the Derby Chairman, runs the club like that weirdo from Silence of the Lambs; a bit out there.  He hires the likes of Steve McLaren and fires the likes of Steve McLaren and then hires the likes of Steve McLaren and then fires the likes of Steve McLaren and then hires a P.E teacher – an unstable mind to be sure. It’s a tough situation for Rowett because the fans expect promotion whilst the chairman just wants Steve McLaren back.

Overall, I’m not sure that a P.E teacher is a good fit for Derby and I’m not sure who said this phrase, but it seems apt: those who can’t, should teach and those who can’t teach should teach Jim and, if Jim is wagging it again then teach P.E to Derby Can’t-he players…or something along those lines.


Chris ‘Hannibal’ Wilder lectered Gary Rowett in a profound 1-1 draw. Other than the scoreline, nothing has changed about The Rambs since the last time we met. They persisted with a one-man midfield where Tom Huddlestone plays in the six-pence whilst a bunch of non-descript attacking midfielders do one, two or maybe three drag-backs before passing the ball into a less dangerous position. Occasionally they counter-attack, and sometimes they tackle too.

Whilst DEM BLADES looked the better side, the Rambs bleated out when George Baldock dicked around in his own box and gave away a penalty. The Rambs scored from the spot and led 1-0 going into halftime.

DEM BLADES dominated on and off the pitch, the silence of the Rambs was deafening, as was the cheer which followed Leon Clarke’s equalising goal. Clayton Donaldson turned inside before whipping the ball into the box for the unmarked Clarke to head home.

At 1-1, DEM BLADES were on top and the P.E teacher made a few subs because it would be rude to leave Mel Morris’s millions of pounds of wasted money on the bench. Aside from scoring that penalty kick, Maracas Vydra was little more than a nettle in the side of DEM BLADES for the whole game. He was substituted for George Thorne in the 71st minute and whilst the midfielder did a couple of step-overs, it was pointedly obvious that he was a bit of a limp prick.

Chris Wilder threw caution to the wind and Alan Knill ran down the touchline to pick up the discarded mock yellow card. Samir Carruthers and Daniel Lafferty came on, but could not change the outcome and the game ended in a draw despite DEM BLADES best efforts to secure all three points.


“Life is really simplebut we insist on making it complicated,”  is a respectable point made by Confucius, whilst 1-1 was a respectable point to take away from Pried Apark. DEM BLADES can now enjoy a break from La Liga and  look forward to an FA Cup Tie with the Tracker Bars of Ipswich Town in a fixture that has been described by nobody as “fairly exciting.” Though I personally look forward to seeing, once more, how DEM BLADES contend with Mick’s McCarthyism. 

Man of the Match

Who cares any more?



2 thoughts on “Post-Match: Derby Can’t-he?

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