Who was the worlds first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
Like the above pun, DEM P*GS are a fucking joke – Don’t tempt fate, you bastard, I hear some of you cry – win, lose, draw, they are still a joke. This informative article explains why (and it doesn’t even touch on Jordan Rhodes).
Out with the old…
Carlo Carvahlo left DEM PIGS after steadfastly guiding the South Barnsley side to a respectable, lower-half league position. The fans were not happy though and the routine boredom and patience-slaying performances of the players meant that some fans were questioning the clubs hierarchy, “with this bloke in charge, can we even call ourselves the biggest team in Barnsley anymore?”
When the time came, the dolphin-killah did not hesitate. It is thought that DJ Chanerini invited Calpol Carvaliant into his office and, quite cruelly I might add, said the following to his employee:
“Calpol, do you want half a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich on your way out?…*scoffs down sandwich*….I thought as fucking much. On your way son.”
This was the final straw for Calpol and on his way out, the sacked swine revealed to DEM PIGS players and coaching staff that his dream had, in truth, ended with him relegating Swansea and taking home a tasty pay packet.
…middling in the middle…
In the meantime, Lee Bullen took the temporary role of being a walking apologist for the crapful, fitness-failing, youth-defying squad that Calpol and DJ Chansee had built up together. Bullen presided over a 0-3 loss to Burton Albion and afterwards covered himself in Lynx Africa, but failed to cover himself in glory when attending a press conference and confiding in journalists that he “feels sorry” for DJ Chasoire. I actually feel a modicum of sorrow for DEM PIGS fans for comments like that and, I am pretty sure that Bullen is in a minority of one if he feels sorry for that club-fucking, dolphin-killing, excuse for a fisherman.
…in with the new.
As one has-been left Hillsborough, word of mouth spread that DEM PIGS were about to hire themselves another has-been. But Steve McLaren ruled himself out of contention on the grounds of “not really liking Tuna all that much,” and out popped the name of the unemployed Jos Lukaku, which was on precisely nobody lips.
However, on top of Lukyhow’s lips is something very interesting indeed. You see, Jos Lekahu is a tanned host that found lower-league success in the Netherlands as a player and Germany as a manager, but found upper-lip success when he was latched onto by the mind-controlling parasite-fungus tashius tashius unilateralis or tash-fungus.
Tash-fungus has controlled the mind of Just LinkinPark since the early nineties and some, but not many commentators other than me, have attributed the coexistence of host and parasite to Luhaku’s nominal success.
Taking the shape of a thick but well-maintained lampshade, the tash-fungus is at once obvious insofar as it lives on an upper-lip, but is at the same time completely inscrutable.
If the host tries to shave it off it will probably end in disaster for both parties. However, I think the tash-fungus is likely to set up DEM PIGS with a flat-back eleven where the players do their level best to properly Madine us.
…or eleven thirty outside Sainsbury’s on London Road. From there we’ll head to the Cremorne and by seven o’clock, I’ll have enough booze inside me to cater for the boozeless throng of DEM BLADES fans. That’s what happens, South Yorkshire Police, when you make silly plans.
Can DEM BLADES do the double over their steel city rivals? I live in Hope, which I regret because house prices in the surrounding areas, such as Castleton or Bradwell, have risen far in excess of mine…anyhow, this is a digression too far….av a good ‘un all DEM BLADES.
-Or is it a digression too far?-
History or Remembering Wednesday
Remember Wednesday? You know, Wednesday the 23rd December 1984? The air was filled with festive cheer, a song that featured Tony Hadley called Do they Know it’s Christmas? played loudly on the wireless and every teenager around my neck of the woods wanted a pair of shoes like George Michael’s.
Remember Wednesday? You know, Wednesday, October 2nd, 1991? The shoes were filled with air and called names like Max and Jordan. Our Judd got married to his first wife, Juliette and I was the best man and began my speech with the line, “Fornication…sorry, for an occasion such as this…”
Remember Wednesday? You know, Wednesday, June 9th, 1999? No – I don’t either.
Remember Wednesday? You know, Wednesday, June 16th, 2003? DEM BLADES had just finished a fun but ultimately fruitless season. Our Judd got re-married, I wasn’t the best man this time but I did buy a him a rather pricy a hand-blender.
Remember Wednesday? You know, last Wednesday? When people heard for the first time about Jos Lurhucka and DEM PIGS fans were like, we don’t want this foreign muck, as they sat down to their lasagne and talked about managerial replacements at work, I think they’ll give the job to old Terry, they said. They were probably right, in the middle of an episode of Corrie when it struck home, right onto Ken Barlow’s head, that, one Wednesday in the future, if they allow this dolphin-killah to stay, we might be saying remember Wednesday? You know Wednesday our ‘massive’ rivals?
“No? I don’t either.”