Before the curtains opened on a tough-looking La Liga season, DEM PIGS kept banging on about shadows and other crap football clichés. But so far throughout the campaign, DEM BLADES have fought back with a cliché of their own – the game is not played on paper, and it wasn’t. It was played on grass and the only shadows in Bramall Lane were those cast by the morbidly obese Tango-man onto an unfortunate looking neighbour.
Older, bigger, better.
“Older, bigger, better (8,3)” is what Tango arrogantly says after enduring days of constipation and finally expelling a girth-beset stool. But it was also eleven-down, a clue in my cryptic crossword puzzle that I struggled with this morning.
Eventually, I googled the cryptic clue and the top result was an article entitled “5 reasons Sheffield Wednesday are a bigger club than Sheffield United.” The article detailed very little at all, but at the bottom of the article was this comment:
I saw the ‘4’ and then the ‘2’ and I realised that the answer to ‘older, bigger, better’ was, of course, Bouncing Day. I scribbled the answer down and then looked again at the comment and saw ‘9 months ago.’
You can accomplish a lot in nine months. You can carry and deliver a baby (if you are a woman), you can expect 15,000 dolphins to be killed in your fishing nets (if you are John West) and you can expect promotion to the premiership and be roundly disappointed (if you support DEM PIGS). A lot can happen in nine months…
…because nine months is…
…time enough, to go from playoff defeat to requesting refunds on season tickets.
…the gestation period for Tango’s biggest shit of the year.
…the approximate period of time that one might blindly follow the mantra that ‘all Rhodes to Wembley’ before realising shit, this crackpot owner is going to leave us with crippling debt, overpaid journeymen and a ticket price so extortionate it makes popcorn at the cinema look cheap.
…not long enough to enable me to describe with accuracy the hatred I have for Ross Wallace.
…only three months short of a year and, in a full year, DEM PIGS will have cemented themselves firmly into the Championship’s glorious midtable.
There was pandemonium in the stand as DEM PIGS celebrated a nil-all draw. It was almost as if they had just won 4-2 – they hadn’t. The ensuing delirium was surely miscalibrated at best, after all, I thought that DEM BLADES were ‘in the shadow’ of their South Barnsley rivals? Were we not fodder, ripe for a relegation battle? No.
Coming into La Liga, I was under the impression that we’d underprepared and overpopulated with ‘tin pot’ League One players. I’m not sure why DEM PIGS predictions were so wide of the mark, but maybe, just maybe, they are slightly deluded. But what they have in abundance in delusion, they lack greatly in poetry…
DEM PIGS ACCIDENTAL TWITTER HAIKUS IN THE AFTERMATH
Justified price tag, massive thanks to all the fans. We did it!! #fifteenth
Love fucking Wendy! Cant believe dat we did it!!! I just don’t know how.
Customers were fab! Great to see stand of cash cows, need that at the sty.
Love fucking joey. Cant believe dat we did it!!! Piglet in nine months.
DEM 90 MINS
The game was the apocryphal damp squib. Unlike damp squibs, damp squids are often killed and wasted, along with dolphins and whales, in the nets of DJ Chancery. Enough about dolphin-killing nets, the only nets that mattered were on the pitch at Bramall Lane. But they were not flowing with the catch of the day.
In reality, the highlights of the game were the catches or saves of both goalkeepers. Wildsmith, DEM PIGS stopper, made an excellent fingertip save from Clayton Donaldson’s flicked header, whilst Simon Moore made two great stops. Yet, all in all, there wasn’t much in the game at all.
In the second half, DEM PIGS came fairly close to scoring, much in the same way, as they came fairly close to being as bad as Bolton. Even though he looks like a sickly dessert, Pudill’s curling strike was close to breaking the deadlock. Shortly after, the game might’ve turned on a second-yellow and then a red card for DEM PIGS skipjack, Glen Loftens, but it didn’t. Driving his studs into the shin of John Fleck should’ve seen Ross Wallace claim the second red card of the game, but he didn’t.
DEM BLADES should’ve capitalised on their advantage, but they didn’t. Credit where credit is due, the management of Jos Lipnicki has brought about a new level of turgid, backs to the wall, respect-the-point type game to the middling, mid-table team. DEM PIGS wanted him to bring about three points, but he didn’t.
DEM BLADES couldn’t break down the ten-man and then nine-man backline of DEM PIGS. It was like Animal Farm without the politics or the rest of the animals, just a bunch of gross, overweight pigs stifling their peers through bloody-minded shittiness (so not really like Animal Farm at all).
DEM BLADES are 6th in the league and we are still in with a fighting chance of getting into the playoffs. Having done good business early on in the January transfer window (which is very rare), let’s be positive where we can and negative for the rest of the time.
Criticisms can and should be levelled at the management and Chris Wilder in particular, but I’m not sure how. Perhaps Wilder should never have played Blackman all season. Perhaps the coaching staff didn’t call Leon Clarke ‘lazy’ enough times. Perhaps Jake Wright should’ve come on, or started, that usually means we are the best side in the division. Perhaps Diego De Girolamo could’ve stayed and become the Anglo-Italian god that the fourth division player was never set out to be. Perhaps Ched Evans will save us from our desperate plight, seeing as he’s almost fit and almost half the striker he used to be. Perhaps, if you want all of those things, you are Brian the Blade or you’re just thick.
The Brainless XI
Man of the Match
Paul Coutts. What the Scottish god lacks in match time, he more than makes up for in his omnipresence.