Post-Match: QPR

The Oops travelled all the way from West London where the pints are served in thirds, to Sheffield, South Yorkshire where the thirds are trebled and served in pint pots.


QPR have defied all expectation and sit pretty in the top echelon of the lower midtable bracket of La Liga – 18th place. I’ve never had a soft spot for QPR – Gareth Ainsworth – and their poor attendance did nothing to improve that. Throughout the match, the three-hundred or so pint-discoverers were as boisterous as a baffled librarian witnessing the borrowing of any book of the Dan Brown oeuvres.

The Gaffer

oops.pngSpeaking of eggs, Ian Holloway. He’s eccentric, isn’t he? Ian Holloway. What a maverick. Badgers eh? Speaks his mind – because nobody else does that do they? Nobody speaks their mind in this day and age. Nobody just comes out and says what they think anymore. Nobody. Nobody apart from people on Twitter. And on buses.


A sloping bald head is often obscured by a cloth cap that his stylist told him looks very man-of-the-people, which he is not. The beard usually is formed into a goatee style, almost like Leonard Nimoy playing Mirror Spock, which he is not.


The game began as advertised at seven forty-five. The early exchanges involved a girlfriend nicking a gravy-soaked chip from her boyfriend, in return, she offered him a non-gravy-soaked chip. He declined.

The first inciting incident took place when Billy Sharp was clattered in the penalty box. Penalty! No, the referee must have missed the Oops defender taking none of the ball and all of the man. Conversely, Sharp took all of the ball and none of the man as he tackled the Oops captain Onuoha. Ohnooah, the QPR thoughts as Sharp bared down on goal. Ohnooah, DEM BLADES fans thought as Sharp blazed it wide.

Not long after, DEM BLADES took the lead. Like many people, I’m a yoghurt fan. I’ll eat any. Plain with a bit of honey is a personal favourite. But I’ll eat Frubes, I’ll eat Fromage Frais. I like lemon yoghurts and I’ve even become partial to Muller’s Fat-Free American Dream Blueberry Yogurt. It goes without saying that I’m a huge fan of the Corner. DEM BLADES, on the other hand, have appeared allergic to corners. In fact, the length of time it’s taken for DEM BLADES to score a goal from a corner is reminiscent of an overly long, pretty boring, dairy-based anecdote. But score they did. Richard Stearman drove the ball into the onion-bag and then somewhat milked the celebration.

The second half began with aplomb, which wasn’t ripe enough. The sharper edges were sweetened by an early goal. Billy Sharp escaped down the right wing and, after drilling a low cross into the box, John Lundstram found himself unmarked and finished for 2-0. Easy.

After the second goal went in, the game became scrappy. First, we lost our rhythm and second, we lost a goal. Luke Freeman carried the ball towards the edge of the box as DEM BLADES defenders took great care to give him as much space as possible. Freeman coolly slotted home to make the game 2-1. Not so easy

The next half an hour was turgid. Words can describe the gritty, time-wastey, nerve-wracking end of the match, but it’s best not to use them. DEM BLADES mixed quality, with ineptitude, attacking threat with the Norwich Way, tactical substitutions with tactical leaving players on the pitch. Our resolve was tested but like my Woodworking A-Level, we scraped through with a much-needed pass.


We were a pretty crap today (C in Critical Thinking), nevertheless, DEM BLADES returned to winning ways to make it three wins from five championship games. By my reckoning, that means we only need to win six more games to make the playoffs (then again, I got a D in Maths). More broadly, today’s win was a sign of things to come. It was a sign that DEM BLADES can hold onto three points without playing well. It was a sign that we have the broad-brush approach to matches that enables us to take the game to any team we come up against (A in General Studies).

The other half took a risk.

DEM PIGS are not content. Not content with recruiting Jordan Rhodes for £10 million, nor failing to tie down George Hurst to a professional contract,Screen Shot 2018-02-20 at 18.34.08 not content with risking reputation in favour of neglecting dolphin-friendly fishing methods, nor offering season ticket refunds. Not content, even, with fielding no strikers against Millwall, they still had to go further.

Why not use it to enhance odds on #SWFC? posited some neglected social media advisor. Here’s why. If you lay ten pounds on DEM PIGS, it means you lose ten pounds – boost or no boost. I believe it was Ray Winston Churchill that said, “When the fun stops, stop. Unless you are betting on Sheffield Wednesday, in which case never, never, never give up.”

Man of the Match

He wasn’t actually on the front line, therefore a Churchillian effort by Paul Coutts.


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