Post-Match – Ipswich

There are more reasons to travel with DEM BLADES than football alone. And, as I was soon to discover, a supermarket was one of those. We’d already beaten the Tracker Bars twice this season and so, with great expectations and my big coat, I travelled to Ipswich in the same way that I travel most away fixtures, in The Cube (39 mpg).


It turns out that Ipswich is located in Suffolk, which, for those interested in etymology, comes from the linguistic blend of ‘Suffering’ and ‘Folk.’ I’m not sure why the town enjoys such a poor reputation. trackersIt’s got a pretty enough Town Hall, some decent timber-framed 16th-century buildings and, as the focal point of the community, a truly striking Morrisons with a wonderful salad bar and an array of well-conceived 2-4-1s – suffering is not the word I’d use.


Bright and bold red clay bricks underpin daring slopes of glass and chrome. At the apex, it uses a grand, tower to showcase a clock that says to everyone who passes, the time is now. 


So popular is the eponymous Tracker Bar in its spiritual Suffolk home that there was none to be found in the aforementioned Morrisons. I had little time until kick off and, in haste (and latterly regret) I picked up a Fruit and Nut (Cadbury’s).

Without the wholesome cereal bar snack, it was all I could manage to stay awake during a game scrappier than my childhood chippy tea. Energyless, I tried to pretend the Fruit and Nut was a Crunchy Peanut flavoured Tracker Bar, but my willpower was not enough. Luckily, DEM BLADES broke me from my stupor by successfully showing a small amount of attacking threat but unsuccessfully threatening.

Starting up-front with Billy (who was sharp), Chad wasn’t. In his first outing since Norwich at home earlier in the season, Chad was pretty lethargic throughout. He should’ve done better after being played-in by Lundstram, but his bigger problem was that, like a post-it note that’s fallen to the floor, everything that touched him refused to stick.

The first half came and went like our Judd’s second wife. Their marriage was annulled but the second half wasn’t. DEM BLADES were better than their Suffolk opposition in the second half, but I can’t really remember how or why. Sorry.

I’d go so far to say that, in this actionless game, DEM BLADES were the better team overall. Although this accolade is akin to being the better cracker puller at Christmas, or the best trolley pusher in a supermarket.

Another 90 minutes over and a rare 0-0. Boring game, great Morrisons.

3 snacks, other than a Tracker Bar, that I’d wished I’d eaten whilst watching DEM BLADES against the Tracker Bars in Ipswich, Suffolk,  instead of the Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut.

  1. Scotch egg – I love savoury and I love the Scotch. The sausagey, eggy snack would’ve been the perfect accompaniment to the all-around drollery.
  2. KitKat Chunky: Peanut Butter – the sequel to the KitKat Chunky, the KitKat Chunky Peanut Butter is a challenge to find, but a delight to eat. This would’ve lifted my spirits and my sugar levels.
  3. The Drifter – one, if not the most underrated chocolate bar still in circulation in the UK. These two fingers of wafer and chocolate and caramel would’ve been better than the v-flicking tracker bar fans.


We live in an instant world, instant noodles, instant soup, instant yeast, instant teeth whitening, instant loans, instant cameras. Unlike the latter, there was nothing flashy about this fixture.

The playoff possibility looks bleaker and bleaker, but it could be worse, couldn’t it? Here’s to hoping that DEM BLADES fare better against Negative Nige on Tuesday than they did against his positive iteration at Ull the other week.

Man of the Match

To bastardise Paul Weller, ‘no matter where I roam, I will return to my scotch rose, nothing will keep him from me.’ On mother’s day, be sure to toast to the grandfather of Rolls Royce football, Paul Coutts.

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